It's Still Cheating!

It's still cheating… bear me out.

Two students waiting for the bus were talking. About their boyfriends.

One said something like, "Well, at least he isn't cheating. They are just facetiming and texting."

It was clear, though, that she was being left out of a lot of a significant part of his day, a part wherein he was having his emotional and social needs met by someone who wasn't his girlfriend. And that…

If the definition of "cheating" is to fulfill wants by means of a person outside of the relationship, then it's still cheating. It might not involve anything physical, but it is still cheating—at an emotional, psychological level.

True in dating and ESPECIALLY in marriage—when things are working as they should be—is the principle that the person with whom you have a relationship needs to be the person you go to have your psycho-social needs met. What does it mean the normal course of the relationship involves only those things outside the psychological—emotional-social domains? It means something is wrong!

If one member of the relationship turns outside of it to have his or her emotional needs meet… Who gets the call when the person is sad? Or angry? Or happy? Who is the first call? If one member of the relationship is looking outside the relationship to have psychological—emotional-social needs met, then the relationship is broken.

Now, there is a slight exception. If there is some context specific thing that is not shared by both members of the relationship, then, naturally, things related to that might be shared with someone outside the relationship. If one member of the relationship is into… origami, let's say… and the other is not, then it would be natural for there to be an origami buddy. BUT, if origami comprises the majority of the person's time and the origami buddy is there for it… Well… it's clear that something is still wrong!

Where does this leave us?

Back to "Well, at least he isn't cheating…"

Yes, he is!

When one member of a romantic relationship is looking beyond the relationship to have wants met, then it is cheating, even if they are only psychological, emotional, or social needs.

Life With A Joyful Approach

What is the joyful approach to life? It is being content in the knowledge that everything you did in a day was done in alignment with your mission, with your purpose—a purpose growing out of your deepest beliefs, out of your why behind all other whys.

Whereas happiness is a response to things that happen, to things outside you, peace and contentment comes from acknowledging that, on a given day, you did your best to live in accordance to your mission. Peace and contentment come from within.

And they don't rely on outcomes. Peace and contentment rely on intentions. Did you do things in alignment with what you believe you are supposed to be doing?

While we learn from the outcomes what to do better and what worked well, we don't depend on the outcomes for our joy. The outcomes inform what we might try to do next time. And, indeed, when things work out well, we feel happy.

But happy is not the goal.

The goal should be to live joyfully knowing that our actions, day in and day out, grew from our intentions to fulfill our life mission.

Given a meaningful why behind all other whys, we can develop a life mission that will guide our intentions in everything we do. Then, if at the end of the day, when we look back, we can be at peace and content knowing that our every intention was to fulfill that purpose.

Stop trying to be happy. Develop a joyful approach to life, and be at peace.

Me And My Mission — GAMER VERSION

In recent posts across social media, I've put forth the claim that trying to be happy is to chase a moving target; better to live contently in the assurance that each day has been spent pursuing your life purpose and mission. And further, I've claimed that your purpose and mission grow out of your why behind all other whys—your deepest beliefs as to the purpose and meaning of life.

Whereas I describe my own mission for life as creating the circumstances wherein people can become the best version of themselves, I was asked what this looks like for me in my daily life.

Naturally, I responded with an example from World of Warcraft, a video game.

There's this quest. Go to this place and kill a bunch of bad guys. I went there and started. I could take on one or two at a time easily, and was doing that. After I was about 1/3 done some stranger joined me. Together, we could take on six or seven at a time. 

Quickly after that, I finished. 

But… Just as I was about to turn and leave, the guy "pulled" another gang of six guys. I didn't know if he could handle them all alone, and it was clear that he expected me to stay. To help.

So, I did. I continued fighting until I could let him know I was done and moving on. He thanked me and we parted ways.

Trivial?

Perhaps. But it's an example. My putting in two or three minutes to help him didn't cost me anything but… two or three minutes. Had I ditched him… He could have "died" and that would have cost him some time and frustration.

Let your life mission percolate through ALL areas of your life, whatever it is. Live in ALL things so that at the end of the day you can say, "I did my best to be my best; to do what I am created to do."